How Do Gay Dads Decide Whose Sperm to Use for Surrogacy?

For gay couples pursuing surrogacy, one of the very first decisions you'll face is: whose sperm do we use? It's a deeply personal question that touches on biology, emotions, and even legal strategy. The good news? There's no wrong answer — only the answer that feels right for your family.

Why this decision carries so much weight

Unlike straight couples where both partners contribute genetic material, gay couples using a gestational surrogate will typically have one biological father and one non-biological father. That asymmetry can bring up unexpected feelings — about fairness, about bonding, about what it means to be a "real" parent.

Most couples say the anticipation was harder than the reality. Once your child arrives, the biological connection fades into the background. But it's still worth having honest, open conversations early in the process.

Key factors to consider

• Age — Sperm quality declines with age, especially after 40. If one partner is significantly older, using the younger partner's sperm may improve IVF success rates.
• Medical history — Genetic screening can reveal carrier status for conditions like cystic fibrosis or sickle cell disease. If one partner carries a genetic risk, using the other partner's sperm may be recommended.
• Sperm quality — A semen analysis will check count, motility, and morphology. Sometimes the decision is made for you by the numbers.
• Desire and emotional connection — Some partners feel a strong pull toward biological parenthood; others feel less attached to the idea. It's worth exploring these feelings honestly.
• Family considerations — Some couples weigh factors like continuing a family name or maintaining a genetic connection to extended family.

Common approaches

One partner provides sperm

The most straightforward approach. You choose based on the factors above, and one partner becomes the genetic father. This is the most common choice and works well for couples planning a single child.

Alternating for siblings

Many gay couples plan ahead: Partner A provides sperm for the first child, and Partner B for the second. This gives both dads a biological connection to at least one child. If you're considering this, discuss it early — you can even create and freeze embryos from both partners during the same egg donor cycle to save time and money later.

Split-cycle (reciprocal fertilization)

Some couples split the retrieved eggs — half are fertilized with Partner A's sperm, half with Partner B's. The best-quality embryo is transferred regardless of whose sperm created it, and remaining embryos from both partners are frozen for future use. This approach adds a layer of surprise and gives both partners a chance at a biological connection.

Can we mix our sperm?

This is one of the most common questions fertility clinics hear from gay couples. While it's technically possible to mix sperm samples and let nature decide, most clinics do not recommend it. Here's why:

• FDA regulations require tracking the genetic origin of embryos
• Medical records need to document the genetic father for health history
• Legal parentage orders require identifying the biological parent
• If the pregnancy involves complications, knowing the genetic father matters for medical decisions

The split-cycle approach gives you the same "surprise" element with proper medical and legal documentation.

Getting professional support

Two specialists can make this decision much easier:

• Genetic counselor — Reviews both partners' carrier screening results and helps you understand any genetic risks. Many fertility clinics include this as part of the process.
• Reproductive psychologist — Helps you and your partner work through the emotional dimensions of this choice. Many surrogacy agencies require psychological screening anyway, and a good therapist can facilitate the sperm-decision conversation as part of that process.

Texas legal note

In Texas, the genetic parent (the partner whose sperm is used) has the clearest path to legal parentage through a pre-birth order. The non-genetic parent is established through the gestational agreement and marriage. Both parents are named on the birth certificate, but the genetic connection simplifies the legal process.

If you plan to alternate genetic fathers for siblings, your attorney will need to file a new pre-birth order for each pregnancy. This is routine but worth planning for.

Bottom line

The "whose sperm" question feels monumental in the moment, but couples who've been through it consistently say the same thing: once your baby is in your arms, it doesn't matter one bit. Have the conversation, consider the practical factors, get professional guidance if you need it, and trust that whatever you decide will be the right choice for your family.